The sun is high in the sky. It is a little after 1:00 PM. The aroma of hamburgers being grilled fills the air. Two dogs exchange barks from their respective yards. The playground isn't as packed as you would think on a Memorial Day. The only people around is a group of four kids swinging on the monkey bars and chasing one another around. The soccer fields are bare except for some old juice boxes and firecracker shrapnel. The basketball courts are unoccupied. Then two men approach the school from the back path carrying a basketball...
They walk casually while switching off who bounces the ball. They are young adults in their mid-20's and each about six feet tall. One of the men is a little portly, with long blond hair pulled back into a bun. He is wearing royal blue mesh shorts and a plain green t-shirt. His shoes are dirty looking with a few holes here and there. His socks are white and scrunched down revealing some nice tan lines around the ankles. His opponent is an inch or so taller and a little bit slimmer. He has on dark black shorts that come down past his knees. He is wearing shiny-black basketball shoes with high black socks. He has a red t-shirt and a gray head band on. His hair is short but not quite "buzzed".
The two men work their way around the court shooting from various locations. They each miss their fair share of shots but continue warming up for about twenty minutes. The man in black keeps traveling across the courts to a hoop that has been lowered two or three inches. He tries dunking the ball four or five time but to no prevail.
"Let's play" the man in black exclaims in a booming voice. His friend offers no reply but immediately goes to the free throw line. The two switch off shooting free throws to see who gets possession first. First person to make a free throw when the other misses gets the ball. For about fifteen minutes this goes on. Miss after miss after miss. Only once did they both hit free throws back to back. They exchange hardly any words during this diligent process. They take their time at the line and try to focus on the shot. The thud of the ball off the rim echoes throughout the school yard. Then suddenly an overcast fills the sky and tiny rain droplets start falling to the ground. The men suspend their game for the time being to try and dunk on the low hoop again.
6 comments:
You maintained a very consistent use of the present tense voice which made it great to be a part of the observation. You also were thorough in providing a good deal of information about what was going on, though it is always nice to have even more details and use of adjectives to provide an even greater visual of the events.
You did a great job with details. It painted a very vivid picture in my head. You also did a good job keeping yourself out of the observation and recording only what actually happened.
Good Idea for an observation. Your description of the two guys was really great, and let us know who we were dealing with.
I would watch out for the "or" statements ex: 2 or 3 inches, 4 or 5 times. those kind of statements seem vague, less of an observation and more of a guess.
I also would have liked a little more description of the area they were in, where was the court, how big, etc.
I really liked the details that you provide, such as the weather, the appearance of the two men, and even the smells.
The description left me with a feeling of having experienced it myself.
My only suggestions are to perhaps use some metaphors or comparisons to add a little more substance; Also, you might describe the setting a bit more, in terms of the surrounding area, where the bbq smell is coming from, etc.
"The playground isn't as packed as you would think on a Memorial Day." - try to use positive, rather than negative, comments when writing from observation. Negative comments rely on the reader's familiarity with the situation to decipher what is happening. Instead of telling them what isn't there, requiring them to imagine what is, tell them what is there.
"The only people around is a group of four kids swinging on the monkey bars and chasing one another around. " - around x2 - switch it up with another word
Excellent use of present tense and vivid imagery. You capture the feel what is happening very well.
As a challenge, what can you do on the micro level? Pick one part of the post, clothing, the ball, the court, and try to go into as much detail as you can about it.
Michael...I thought this could have been even more descriptive. Describing more of the setting visually could bring the readers in more. Try describing the men more physically as well other than their clothing....come on man
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